Warning Sign: Dating

There have been many a men in my life that I should have known were bad ideas. The signs were everywhere.

#1 Thigh Tattoo

Don’t date people with oddly placed tattoos; it’s a DIRECT warning sign that more stupid decisions will be made in the future.

I should have known things weren’t going to work out when I spotted it. The Thigh Tattoo. Mid thigh, self facing, center leg placed literature from the heart. It blinded me one night as I helped undress and throw his passed out, blacked out ass in bed. “Carpe Diem,” his thigh yelled to me. Not only did I want to ‘carpe’ his corpse out of my bed but I thought I would do the world a favor by etching it out with my cuticle scissors right then and there. But it was 2am, I was tired, and my sheets were new, so the Saw reenactment would have to wait. The next morning when he awoke from his stupor, I asked why he had decided to get a mid-thigh tattoo (of all places). He gave the same answer everyone with a tattoo says “I wanted it for ME cuz that’s who I am but also needed to be able to hide it for business reasons, you understand.” A real intellectual; DEEP. i should have known then. Sign missed. And because I over looked that funny little tattoo, I over looked the 6 week continuous weekend blackout that was our dating life. Yeah, putting him to bed each weekend was a BLAST, I know, but not worth it.

Update: Terracotta, as we shall call him, now lives with a good friend of mine and on the 6^th day of living together, my friend walked into their kitchen to find a bum that Terracotta had brought home the night before. Terracotta bummed a cigarette of the homeless fool then decided that it was cool to let him crash on the kitchen couch. Good choice. Bums always make good housewarming presents.

#2 Speaking Spanish

Don’t date people who speak tongues when they are drunk. Its not hot, its fucked up and a waste of time.

In college, a good friend of mine would get drunk like the rest of us and have a great time. Unlike the rest of us, he would do something so bizarre. He would talk Spanish. He would speak not just your normal I’m-white-but-know-how-to-order-a-burrito-con-everything-in-Spanish Spanish, but your I’m-white-and-can-speak-broken-Spanish-with-a-Catalan-accent-cuz-I-lived-there Spanish. Con muchos hand gestures. He was my Midnight Vaquero and I got a Spanish Serenade every time he drank. Fun at first, a turn on cuz I thought he was bilingual but after the repetitive cycle of his Saturday night events [10+ cervesas/nattie ice, opened short sleeve button down, and hairy chest rubbing when he talked] it got old. And it only came out when he was drunk, every 3^rd  sentence. Example: “that was so totally raddd what you did! That shot was fucking sick, bra. Mad sick. Mejjjjor tirrrrrro hermanoooo… yeahhhh”

Yeah not sick. Don’t date double talkers. The hot Spanish runs dry and you are left alone with a hairy man with tired hands no time for you…

#3 Man-Child

Don’t date 40-year-old singles. I don’t care how hottt they are, they are single for a reason.

Alejandro* was 38 when I met him. Now he looked 28, so I didn’t ask him his age when I met him at a wedding. And even when i found out I didn’t care. He was special. We had a real connection. That connection = sexual attraction. Things were fun, we lived near each other, he was available, and none of my friends knew him. In my mind it was perfect. Off and on for those lonely blacked out weekend nights, he was great. Consistent and satisfying. How could be so great and single? Why wasn’t he taken? Well one time when I wasn’t completely blacked out and hung over I got my answer. He is a Man-Child. The apartment looked like Katrina hit it. then a tsunami came through. Surf boards, clothes, cups, etc were everywhere. It was like a frat house and I was seeing the house dad David Wooderson (Dazed and Confused). Bad news bears. That clear-minded morning I ended it. no room more a life more messy than mine, thanks very much…. Fucking kid….

#4 Slap Attack

If he asks to slap you, LEAVE.

I once dated a guy who liked things rough. Pull your mind out of the gutter its not what you think. Well it kinda is. From conversations, to arguments, to drinking, to sexy time things were tough and rough and wild. During a particularly shy and calm make out, Striker as we will call him, wanted to take things to the next level. He looked me in the eye, cupped my face oh so gently, and politely asked, “Can I slap you?!.” Yeah should have seen the signs there and then.  I was scared and things ended that afternoon. OVER HIM. Until Striker crept back into my life 6 months later, we started things up again, and he asked for a bj on MY birthday. Yeah. OVER HIM again.

(And if you are still thinking about it, I said NO to his slap happy request. This isn’t a soap opera porno.)

#5 Night Stalker

Don’t go on a date with someone who pulls up to you on the street (no matter how sick his C-Class Mercedes is.)

A few weeks ago 2 guys pulled up next me on the street corner. I was waiting for a cab when they stopped the car and persisted to ask for my number. They could not help it; I looked great in my tall Michael Kors riding boots, Joes Skinny jeans, and BCBG crop top. There was nothing they could, I was too much to pass up J So with my Heidi Montag stripper curls (as my lovely sister calls them) blowing in the wind, I yelled them my number and hopped into a cab.

Two weeks later, I dragged my friend B in tow to square out the double date. We all met for drinks, vodka tonics for us and water for them. They didn’t drink, as we found out. LAME SAUCE. Getting over that fact as quickly as I drank down the vodka, we decided to grab dinner across the street. Here are some of the shitty/shocking/embarrassing events that took place after:

1.  The 2 men ordered for us. Welcome to the ‘50s ladies.

2.  “my guy” asked how I lost my virginity. If it was with 1 or 2 guys. Charming…

3.  “B's guy” asked if she had sex while studying in college in San Diego. Way to one-up your friend.

4.  “my guy” ate food from B's plate, with his fork, numerous times. YUMMY!

5.  … he also stuck his napkin up his nose to “Dig for Gold” as B put it

6.  … he also asked us what kind of porn we watched, cuz if we watched any Asian porn, we would have known that, I quote “Jap guys have straight pubes, no joke! They are straight over their small dicks!” WOW did we feel stupid for not knowing that!!!
7. ...he also just LOVED calling me Mop all night. i get so turned on when guy's call my hair a mop. as the great Paris Hilton would say, "thats hot"

So yeah. Worst date ever. Warning sign: don’t date night stalkers on the street.